I don’t know why, but this mental discussion popped into my head while I was putting my kids to bed tonight (I usually lay with them until they fall asleep, which gives me some additional time to think, lol).
In this age of sewing and sharing so many things on the internet, how do we deal with the things we ‘like’ versus the things we ‘don’t like’? How do we give the projects we see the dignity they deserve, whether we like them or not?
So let’s start off with ‘like’, since that’s the easiest one. If we see a sewing project that we like, it’s so simple to say, “Oh, that’s so awesome!!” or “I really love this!” It’s also easy to show by our actions that we like something. We pin it on Pinterest. We retweet it, share it on Facebook, and blog about it in our ‘favorites’ blog posts. Have we ever said something was awesome when we just felt that it was okay? Of course, I’m sure everyone has, but I think in general, we share things on the internet because we think they’re cool. The praise part is the easy part most of the time.
But how do we deal with something that we don’t like? I think it’s a very fine line between, “Oh, it just wasn’t my thing,” and, “I don’t like this; it’s terrible.” Words, especially on the internet, can be very concrete things. Once I post something on my blog, unless I delete it, it’s out there on the web forever. Especially because I have a blog, I’m sometimes concerned about what to say when I don’t like something: when a pattern I’m making doesn’t work out, when I don’t really like a particular fabric. For me, since it’s part of my personality, the easiest thing to do when I don’t like something is to be silent (and just let me clarify that if I didn’t comment on your sewing project from last week, doesn’t mean I didn’t like it, lol, I might just not have seen it). At Quilt Market last month, I was viewing a fabric collection with someone, and she turned to me with a smile on her face and said, “Oh, don’t you just love that??” I was silent for a second, because I kind of didn’t, and then I honestly said, “No.” This person laughed and said that everyone deserved their own opinion, but then she said, “But mine’s the right opinion.”
All joking aside though…how should we deal respectfully with things that we don’t like? It’s definitely not okay to tear something or someone apart. I’m not sure if there is a good answer here. When it comes down to writing a pattern review, is it okay to talk about the things that you like as well as the things that you thought were done well in the pattern? I think so. What about when you don’t like a fabric? Not my thing? Be silent? There are some fabrics out there that I really like, but they never seem to work out for the types of sewing projects that I do; they just don’t click in my head when I envision the project. I certainly don’t dislike these fabrics, they just don’t have a place in my sewing. Sure, there’s fabrics I just don’t like as well…they’re just not my style.
So what do you think? How do you feel about this issue, and what’s a good way to handle it? I’m not asking you to tell me what you don’t like, let’s be respectful here! 🙂 But I do really want to know what you think!!
I know exactly where you are coming from! I see ‘things’ on blogs and think “How could you?” But I would never voice such an opinion. I am currently facing a dilema where I am queen for a bee. One contribution is so far off what I wanted, I just don’t know what to do, without offending the sender! Honesty is certainly NOT the best policy!
You said it best at the end, “it’s just not my style.” This can be said in a way that doesn’t hurt or insult other. Find something to compliment the project or item you don’t care for and if necessary let them know “it’s just not my style.”
I think there’s almost always a positive aspect one can focus on. Words can be so damaging, and there’s so much negativity out there, why add to it? If it’s a casual conversation with a friend, certainly speak your mind, but if it’s being “put out there,” there isn’t any reason to voice dislike. With that said, I rarely comment positively, or negatively.
I choose to stay silent if I see something that I don’t like especially if it’s on a blog. People have different taste and we as the viewer are not going to like everything put before us, but then there will be those who love it. If you aren’t a fan of floral prints or animals then your probably not going to like fabric collections by designers who use those features. On the other hand those same designers may use color ways that you love. I respect the fact that a blogger or designer has taken the time to share what they have worked on even if personally I think it’s a hot mess because someone else is going to love what I viewed as a hot mess. If someone ask if you like something and you don’t, I would just share what it was that made me dislike it and it’s just my personal taste.
I think this is a very good question, as I’ve been doing a lot of reviews lately. I try to be as honest as I possibly can, keeping the pattern writers, teachers, book writers feelings in mind. It’s very hard to say “I don’t like this” because in my opinion if I say that that particular person may have an issue with me and I don’t want that to happen. I always try to point out the things I like best. But I try to keep in mind also, that EVERYONE has their own taste and opinion and what I may not like someone else may LOVE or what I love they may hate….it’s a very thin line that I don’t like nor want to cross
This is quite a big theme. Mostly I keep silent as well or say something neutral like: keep going, nice fabrics or something like that. To be honest I stop following one popular blog because I noticed the owner has deleted a comment that wasn’t bad but it had different opinion and I don’t like such censorship. Receiving only positive feedback might not be all good at the end. Easily you end up with feeling that you make awesome stuff, you go to the quilt show, someone else judges your work and you are not prepared to handle different opinion or be criticized.
More often than not I stay silent on such matters. There is such a huge range of designs and styles when it comes to fabrics and quilting that it is only natural that each individual will have their favourites and that these will vary greatly from person to person. I have friends whose tastes are vastly different to my own and while their creations are technically perfect they are not my thing. I will often tell them they did a wonderful job making something and that it is so them.
Online, I generally stay silent if I see something I don’t like. The exception is when someone is looking for feedback – like for swaps before the item is finished, or when pattern testing. In both cases, I do think there is a right way and a wrong way to comment, because ultimately it’s usually down to taste. “It’s not really my style”, “___ and ___ aren’t my favourite colours”, or “it’s a little bit ___ for my taste” are my stand-bys. For pattern testing, I might say “I found ___ difficult – maybe doing it this way would be easier?”. In each case, it’s really about me, not the other person.
I think I take this approach because I would probably prefer not to receive negative feedback on my own projects unless I asked for feedback. I definitely don’t expect people to say they like something they don’t though. Great topic, and food for thought!
In design school, a teacher showed us a room decorated in all very frilly, traditional, fussy decor. She asked what we thought. Of course, we all did not LIKE it as most of us preferred a more modern aesthetic. But then she went over our basic design principles and this room we all thought was “ugly” adhered to them all. All that to say that it wasn’t our preferred style, but it was well designed. So, if it’s not something you like, I would try and find something that I can say nice about it, well designed, good technique, nice color scheme, etc. But I do think certain thing, patterns for example, if you say that they are wonderful and keep the negatives to yourself, that wouldn’t be fair to your readers. I wouldn’t bash the pattern, but pointing out what didn’t work for you would be beneficial.
On a separate note, one of the things I most like about quilting with friends in real life is that people give me real feedback. Sure, I love all the “that’s gorgeous” “how pretty” comments on my blog (who wouldn’t?!) but I learn most from those that point out what I might have done differently, or a better way to do such and such a technique and that’s the kind of commentary rarely seen in blog land.
If someone asks me of my opinion, I’m going to tell them my opinion. I’m entitled to having an opinion, as are they. If I don’t like something, I usually go “eh”, and shrug and if they ask for details, I’ll go on and try to be more specific about what I don’t like. I’m not partial to that color, I don’t like that art style, it doesn’t speak to me… I have a harder time telling people I do like things. If they ask me, I’ll look and think about it, then people assume I don’t like it when I’m trying to come up with something nice to say about it… I try to just smile and say yeah, or it’s awesome, or something simple the way I do with something I don’t like because then I have time to think of something more to say about it.
The more I go on, the more I think I have set myself up – I gush over things I love, so when I don’t, it probably seems obvious that I don’t, but I would never say anything down right ‘nasty’ (I hope!). I think I have claimed my style, and voiced my generic objections to things, such as brown, so people know what to expect from me. I certainly appreciate good workmanship even if I don’t like the actual ‘thing’ so usually there is something to comment positively on.
At the moment I am finding my blogging/reading time so limited that I do get paranoid that people think I don’t like them/their makes as I no longer have time to comment on everything. Oh it’s a tricky situation xxx
I think I agree with everyone above. If I like it I say so. If I don’t like it I just don’t comment. I certainly take it that posts that get few comments are not as well liked as posts with lots. If asked for an opinion, or if I were pattern testing, then I would probably give any constructive criticism privately. I am very much still learning so would appreciate any advice I can get.
One of the wonderful things about quilting/sewing/making is that there is something for everyone out there. Everyone can make a project their own, create what they particularly want to, explore their own visual style and preferences. I make quilts to please myself, if other people like them too, that is lovely. I don’t mind that people don’t like them, can’t expect everyone to like the same things…BUT, there are ways of ‘not liking’. Silence is a good fall-back position, finding something positive to say is also good- after all, there is always something good to find in a quilt you don’t really like- the technique might be awesome, the design might be lovely, might just be the fabrics you dislike. If you put your stuff out into the public sphere you do need to be prepared for those less tactful individuals who will,a s we say in the UK, “call a spade a bloody shovel”- fortunately I have pretty broad shoulders and an equally broad sense of humour, so when one lady looked at one of my quilts at a show and said “well, I think that is disgusting” and walked off I fell about laughing, her problem, not mine. My quilt was just not ‘her thing’. I think response really depends on how well you know the person, how private the conversation…the internet is very black and white and very permanent- there is no place for nuance or tone of voice in type – and there is also no absolute necessity for commenting on every single thing. Silence is better than saying something that could be misinterpreted and silence isn’t necessarily an indication of not liking, sometimes just not enough hours in the day to comment on something. If something really jumps out and grabs me I do comment positively, but I don’t expect anyone to agree with my likes/dislikes- wouldn’t the world be dull if we all agreed on absolutely everything? We would never learn from eachother,we would never be surprised by anything, inspired by anything. I love it when I see some sewing that, in theory, given my preferences, I should dislike, but that I think is just fabulous. And I learn so much from my mistakes, so constructive criticism is good. Wise words from everyone above. I was thinking about liking and not liking myself this week.I volunteer in a museum that has a lot of 18th century Sevres Porcelain,if I analyse it I don’t really like it, but boy am I impressed by the craftsmanship, the detailing, the beauty of the painting- so I don’t dislike it either. I am in awe of it, without wanting to have it in my own home. There are so many shades between ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that only face to face conversation can,sometimes, get across.Great topic Sara!
I think honesty is the best policy but having said that honesty can come over very harsh when put into written words over the internet to someone you don’t know very well or have never met so in most cases I just wouldn’t leave a comment. Like you though sometimes I love things and still don’t comment because of lack of time or life just gets in the way that I can’t visit the blogs I love.
End of the day though beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what may look awful to me will be loved by someone else so there is nothing that is really horrid.
It would be nice if people were to give constructive criticism though. All the comments left on my blog are nice ones and I sure wouldn’t mind constructive criticism. Rude is not on though.
I have yet to join a swap where i get something that is exactly to my tastes but what i have gotten i know the sender put a ton of effort in to making. Saying something like “that was a really ugly _______, it looks like a rainbow threw up on it” won’t do anything but make them second guess themselves every time they make something. Instead i try to be positive about what i did get “_________ must have taken you ages to make, i’m really impressed by ________ that you did to make it” or if it’s fabric that someone bought me because they thought that i would like it i tend to go with “this would make a really interesting _________” or my all time favorite for fabric my sister picks out and wants my opinion on “i couldn’t see myself using it as i don’t like _____________ but (insert one nice thing you can think of the fabric)”. If i can’t think of anything nice about it then i will usually just not say anything at all.
I tend to stick to the policy of ‘if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all’. I will usually try to find some positive thing to say but we all like different things and that’s ok!
Being silent when you don’t like something or it’s not in your type always works the best. I’ve seen in the web some situations when quilter wrote that it’s not in her type and the the other quilter who made it felt wounded…
Personally, I think that there’s no greater compliment than saying ‘it’s not my type, but I like/love it’.
PS. Thank you for this post. I was wondering about it several times and it’s good to know that there are people who thinks in the same way:)
Great post, Sara! I work at a quilt shop, and get asked my opinion every day. In fact, yesterday, a woman came in with a project and asked what I thought. She wanted to change some of her colors, that while nice, didn’t fit the project, in my opinion. And, that is just what I told her. “Those colors are nice, and will certainly work, but, they just don’t work for me.” I find that if I really must say something negative about a project, if I can frame it from my perspective, rather than make it about them (how could YOU choose those colors/that fabric, etc)it lets the other person know that there is value in their work, but, it just isn’t my style. I worked with that woman for nearly an hour, but, we finally came up with fabric that will be perfect for her project, and no hurt feelings. I saw something on another blog that said something like this: You don’t have to like everything, just don’t be a dick about it. Those words have served me well.
Generally, as Will Wheaton and various others would say “Its OK not to like things, but don’t be a dick”.
Beyond that for me it depends on the level of investment a person has in the thing: so “I thought I might buy this house, what do you think?” garners a very different response to “I bought this house, what do you think?”. One is the time for honest but kind evaluation, the other is a time to find something nice to say… aside from that a good rule is that unsolicited commentary should always be positive/constructive – they didn’t ask!
I agree our world is particularly tricky for this – our people tend to have put their heart and character into their creations 🙂 Nice topic…
As many other people have pointed out, I think there’s a difference between constructive criticism that is solicited and random comments saying how you don’t like something. I also stick to the, if you don’t have anything nice to say approach, if no one is asking for my opinion. The woman you mention at quilt market was putting you on the spot and asking you a question. And there, I think it’s really important to give your opinion kindly and honestly because that event is setting the market for the rest of us. And if attendees went around saying that they loved everything, that would give a pretty skewed vision of what will be successful in the marketplace.
Also, someone wrote on their blog once (I can’t remember who), that on Flickr and blogs they try to say more than just, “great!” “love it!” they try to go a little further and say something about the construction or the colors or the pattern or technique, etc. And I have tried to do that too (though I don’t always succeed and fall back on exclamations, which are still nice to receive!). But, I hope that has made my comments more meaningful.
On my own blog I would much prefer an honest response to my posts. I assume that if I get replies it means they liked it because they took the time to reply, even if it was just to say “wow” “beautiful” etc. But if someone asks me outright, I will be honest even if something is not my taste or made sloppily.
Totally off topic, but my hubs just saw your header and wonders if you ever dressed as princess Leia?
I don’t like you.
Only joking, you’re brilliant 🙂
Although I’m an incredibly blunt person, I’m really trying to be less so and this year especially, I’ve gone out of my way to compliment things that people have spent a lot of time on. Life is full enough of mean girls and people to pick holes in what we’ve done so bring on the cheerleaders! We should be able to say, wow, that must have taken you ages or golly, what a lot of effort you’ve put in even if we personally would have done it differently or chosen different fabric or whatever. Anyway, I do really like you, you’re my favourite Sara in the whole wide world (the whole wide world of people I know anyway).
I agree with you. there are always ways to offer constructive criticism without hurting someone. I can appreciate the work someone has does with out liking it. Ive had some very beginner bloggy friends with very lumpy bumpy uneven work. I believe if you cant offer encouragement and are nothing but negative you dont need to comment at all. We all come from different experiences and abilitiy levels. Whats important is that people are encouraged to create .
One of the things we need to control is the compulsion to say something about everything. There are lots of projects out there which I wouldn’t make for myself or which don’t suit my taste – so what? The blogger isn’t soliciting my opinion, they are sharing what they are passionate about. We can always appreciate the effort – the effort it took to start and finish something, the courage it took to share, the sentiment behind the item if it was made as a gift or out of respect for someone. We can admire good workmanship, cheer with someone who got a great deal on sale fabrics, or just plain appreciate that there is another quilter/sewist out there sharing our love and, thankfully, helping to keep our sewing and fabric shops going!
With respect to pattern testing or someone outright asking for feedback, honesty is the way to go, but my practice is not to make any negative comment for which I cannot suggest a different approach. They key is knowing what is personal style/taste and what is actually critical to the blogger’s ultimate goal. If it is just that “I don’t like it”, well, nobody asked that. If it is a set of directions that don’t quite hit the mark, you bet I’ll suggest something to improve them. Saying “this pattern really sucks” doesn’t help anyone, but saying “the cutting directions are all crammed together, could you list them in a table or maybe add an extra space between each line?” actually gives the person something to work with.
A few people have alluded to saying something nice in order not to hurt someone’s feelings, but maybe feeling bad because they aren’t sincere. The resopnsibility to be sincere works both ways. I would suggest those who are asking for feedback need to be sincere as well; if a person puts something out there and asks for opinion, my hope is they are sincerely looking for feedback, and not just fishing for compliments.
I wrote about this on my blog. http://artquiltmaker.com/blog/2013/05/quiltcon-homework-9/
While I think the world would be deadly boring without each of us liking something different, I think it is important to encourage one another and be respectful of others’ tastes. We don’t gain anything by being mean.
This is such a difficult one. A few years ago another blogger did a similar post only gave examples of what she didn’t like and invited others to do the same and it ended up a bit of a bitch fest and people got hurt. It’s so tricky because if you said to a persons face something isn’t your thing they hear the tone of your voice and see your face as you say it. Not so on the internet. It’s cold and it’s brutal. I try and always focus on the positives. If I find something didn’t work so well in say, a bag pattern I do comment on it because I know a lot of people reading my blog have less bag making experience and want to hear if there is something I’d do a different way or change to make it easier. It doesn’t mean the pattern writer was wrong though. As for disliking fabric – we’re all different and we all get excited about different things. But of course a lot of designers are reading our comments too. As for a person’s work if I’m not keen on something I probably either don’t comment because I don’t have the words or again focus on the positives. People don’t blog about their work to get it critiqued by the likes of me do they? That said I sometimes wish people would be more honest. Recently in a Bee someone said my blocks were lovely when they saw them on flickr then didn’t use them in their quilt. I’d gone to a lot effort and if they weren’t liked I could have redone them or just not sent them…yes it’s tricky alright!
I usually try to determine what I don’t like, is it color? Is it pattern? If it is color or fabric I try to imagine colors I would like. I do try to comment on what I do like. I don’t think I have come across much that I couldn’t find something to like about it.
If someone asks for actual feedback, I do try and be polite and respectful, but would offer suggestion.
I usually use a point or two about why it’s not my favorite. For example i might say, oh yeah it’s interesting, however they are not really my colours, or i prefer something more graphic, or yes that is very you and this is more me. i can usually find something to like or speak about a fabric. Maybe this comes from working in a fabric store. Sure all the prints are not my favorite. but it helps to be diplomatic. it amuses me when i get oh no i don’t like that or i hate that back!. it doesn’t offend me though.
I think it depends on what the comment is about. If it’s testing a pattern and you are sending it to the designer, then I think honesty is the best. If you can’t figure out something then they need to know. Or if you think there is another way, maybe say something along the lines of…do you think this way would work better? Or I have done that technique this way. If it’s a pattern review, I try to be honest for others to know how I truly feel about the pattern, but not in a mean way. I will say I struggled with this part because of this, but I would never say this pattern is terrible. I would say that I don’t recommend the pattern because of blank, blank, and blank. I would probably let the designer know my feelings first before blogging about it though. As far as fabric choices, I have seen patterns that use what I consider ugly fabric, so I am turned off by the pattern. Then I see someone else use adorable (in my opinion) fabric and I then think the pattern is cute. I would never tell someone that they chose awful fabric, but I would let them know that it wasn’t my style.
I think everyone is entitled to their opinion! Personally, I do not like red…AT ALL. That doesn’t mean a red quilt is garbage! It just means, I don’t like it in red! I think folks get too offended when someone doesn’t like their stuff…there are millions of others that may love it. But there is a tactful way to say you don’t like something.
I think I take the easy way out and if I do not like something on a blog I leave no comment, that does not mean if I do not comment on a thing I do not like it, just short of time and cannot comment on everything I see, if you know what I mean.
I think, for me, I take blog posts as a snapshot of the person who is writing the blog – insight of who they are, how they do things, their ideas, and yes – what they like and dislike. That is part of why I “stopped” by the blog. That doesn’t mean the presenter or poster is any way to mean, derogatory, or condescending. It’s just their opinion – part of who they are, and I take it as such. But, again – for me, in face to face conversations sometimes silence can be perceived as “agreement”, which has caught me by the butt a couple of times. Like my mother crocheting a hat which she kept hounding me about – “do you like it? do you like it? have you seen it?” – and I just grinned. So when she immediately made me one and became upset because she never saw me wearing it . . . what was I to say then? “yeah mom, your hat looks like something an 80 year-old lady would wear and since you’re an 80 year-old lady it looks great on you – but no I’m not gonna wear it mom, cause I’m 42, and it doesn’t go with anything I own” ???? Soooooo I try to diplomatically speak up, even in delicate situations. Usually something like, “you like that? oh, that’s great, what are you gonna use that for? Yeah, that’s a nice idea. It really doesn’t work for me – but send me a snapshot of your progress, or when you’ve finished so I can see what you came up with.” Or “that doesn’t really go with anything I’m collecting right now . . . how about you? What would you use those colors for?” or that chair for, or that paint for, etc. If someone asks me – then they’re asking ME – they are asking for my input, my perception, my take on it – then that’s what I should give them – not something I think they want to hear, because then that is no longer what they asked for. If it’s not my cup of tea, I let them know and generally try to bring the conversation back to them and what they like or would do with the “it” and make it about them – instead of dwelling how much I don’t like it 🙂
I always like this, “It looks like a lot of work went into that design (quilt, block, pattern, etc.)”
hmm first of all I do not really care for comments like “That’s nice” – they don’t give me anything.
So just avoid the whole like/don’t like by focusing on – the technique the craftsmanship, the pattern.
I do not need to like lime yellow and light gray to be able to comment on the block pattern. I would never ever make myself anything in those colours, but I can see how they work together and that’s fine. If the seams to match I can say that weather the product is pink blue or yellow striped …
I’m really lookign forward to the day when the “That’s nice” things stop. At least say what you liked – or say what you miss. I really liked the use of the echo quilting, the way you turned the safety seams for the strips on your bag into looking like a bird stitchery. I personally don’t like to mix those colours, but I really like the pattern you used and I could think of doing it in my favourite colours, can you give any tips or advice.
A well written – I don’t like that because [the because is really really important!] can make you think about your work. We learn from mistakes, or from lokoing at things from another perspective, we learn by arguing for our choice. So yeah I guess a negative comment might get me personally further in quilting.
If someone leaves a comment … I think I’m starting to just babble and am maybe starting to repeat myself so I will stop now.
Blog browsing is such a luxury! I usually only comment when something about either the quilt(etc) or the quilter somehow connects with me, and my comment reflects how, as simply as possible. I don’t consider the comment form my license to critique, I don’t have the savvy, skill or “position” for that!!! 🙂
i think people should just be honest. it’s ok to not like something. sometimes i think the crafty community can be a little overly sensitive. i have published patterns and sure, it stings momentarily if someone doesn’t like the things i put out there. but it doesn’t mean those opinions are invalid. honest criticism challenges me to write better patterns and come up with better designs. i find the flow of gushy “love it!”-ness to be kind of boring after awhile. though i have said just that, plenty of times.
I think that if you are reviewing something (or pattern testing) that you owe it to your reader to be honest.
I just paid $8.50 for a pattern by a popular blogger that “everyone” is making & I’d be hard pressed to find a more poorly written pattern. I was left to wonder if she had a pattern tester at all. The first thing I did was an hours worth of math calculations so that I could start cutting. Sorry, I paid $8.50 to have the math done for me.
Now if you are just looking at flickr/blogs & see something that you don’t like, then I wouldn’t say anything. Those people are probably not trying to sell something & are probably not looking for critical criticism.
I guess I draw the line between the professional & the hobbyist.
You know, I’ve come across this very thing in the past year as I picked up my quilting quite heavily. I learned that we all have very different tastes in fabric sometimes and my choice in fabric or projects may not be the same as yours. I went fabric shopping with some girl friends one day and one said to the other, “oh don’t you just love that?!” and my other friend replied “No, but that is so Rachel.” She was talking about me, now obviously that means that we don’t have the same taste in fabric but the way she said it was like I had horrific taste in fabric and I was quite hurt. I did say “hey, what is that supposed to mean?” and the friend was quick to say that I have a very distinct taste in fabric and that I tend to choose more bold fabrics and prints. Still I don’t know what that means, but I went with it because I didn’t want to really nit pick in a public place about her statements. No one is ever right or wrong in the fabrics or styles they choose, that is what makes us unique. As long as you stay true to yourself, if you don’t like something and respectfully voice it, that should be ok. No one ever likes hearing the negative, but putting the spin that maybe the fabric is pleasing to the eye but you just don’t have something for it is better than saying no it’s hideous. If I really don’t have anything nice to say about something, I try to be as non-committal in my answer as possible. I don’t want to hurt feelings but I don’t want to give the impression that it’s something I could like. If it’s something I see and my opinion isn’t asked of me, I move on. I make a mental note of things I’ve seen that I really dislike and tend to share openly things that I love. That’s how we evolve in our tastes and things we see. I think if you are reviewing something for consumers you owe it to your readers to be honest but you also owe it to the producer of the product to give constructive criticism instead of flat out telling them they suck. We all walk a fine line on the internet with what we type and how we type it because in an instant something that was meant to sound harmless has been taken completely out of context and blown up in our faces. If you are respectful and stick to your words as you said them, you will be respected. Nothing worse than having to listen to someone back pedal out of something they said because they are embarrassed. Opinions are unique, just like finger prints. Don’t let anyone tell you your opinion is wrong, it’s like saying you are wrong for being you and that certainly isn’t true.
Blog-wise, I just don’t comment. If it’s a good bloggy friend and thus “have to” comment but it’s not really to my taste, then I still find something positive I can say about it. I once had someone comment that something I had made was not something that they would wear. At first I was offended, but now, I’m glad they did. The bloggosphere is missing that honesty amongst friends.
If I don’t like something, I generally don’t say anything. If it gets to be where I think to myself, why am I even following this blog? … I just eliminate it from my feed. I’m quite sad when I do that because at some point, I really enjoyed what this person had to say, but for now, it seems like I only have that reaction when I feel like a blog that had good content suddenly becomes a billboard for one business after another. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind blog posts about who’s having a sale and on what (I appreciate that very much!). I just feel like dropping a blog when it seems like that has been subbed in for content. So maybe I’m not always silent – since you asked, lol – but it’s one of the reasons that I pretty much stayed away from the whole Kate Spain debacle last year. I felt very strongly about a lot of issues that were brought up, but I kept my opinions mostly to myself. Not because I’m afraid to share my feelings on the subject, but because it’s not right for me to publicly call someone I don’t really know out for something that he or she might really believe to be a good thing. So if anyone wants to know how I really feel about that, feel free to email me – I will tell you. Privately. 🙂
I’m chiming in late, here, but I think this is a really good question to ask. In studying art history, I think I had the concept of personal taste vs. artistic merit really hammered into me. In fact, I didn’t actually “like” any of the artworks I researched for my dissertation, but I could appreciate them for their technical virtuosity and their importance in the context in which they were made. As one commenter above mentioned, it’s possible to recognize when a room is well decorated, even it if isn’t to your personal taste.
That said, I think that context really matters here. At a quilt show, when you are an anonymous viewer who is perhaps discussing a quilt or fabric with another viewer, it may be appropriate to voice your opinions, even if they are negative (and that goes for personal taste and design criticism). But I don’t think that that is the reason most people share things on the internet (unless they are specifically asking for critical feedback, of course). So it probably isn’t called for to go out of one’s way to say that something isn’t one’s personal cup of tea. I think this is where recognizing the design merits of a work is so handy–you can always say something nice about the design, even if it doesn’t particularly suit your personal taste. 🙂
Thanks for the discussion!
I sympathize with you on this subject, Sara. I do believe in being honest. And I do come across as harsh. Not that it is my intention. Sometimes we just don’t realize how it sounds to others when we say how we feel. And I do think constructive criticism is a kindness offered to those who truly want your honest opinion so they can improve. Facebook has attempted to avoid hurt feelings by only offering a like button. But having your post be ignored still sends a clear message that it is not liked. In the situation you were in – you were asked if you loved that. And you answered. This person sounds as though they would not have taken the time to listen to your explanation for why you felt that way. She is the type who oozes sappy gushy stuff. What is her compliment worth if she throws it around to all? I would value your ‘No’ over that syrupy mess, any day of the week. You did nothing wrong.
Lorna:)
http://sewfreshquilts.blogspot.com
I run a small quilt group here in the UK (9 members) and I face this issue at almost every monthly meeting. My ladies are all older than me (some of them 25 or 30 years older) and their tastes in fabric can often seem dated to my eyes, and some of them regularly choose very conservative “no-risk” colour palettes. However, they do frequently ask me, as leader, for advice and opinion. I always say to them “It’s your quilt, and you need to be happy with it” and then if I can see room for improvement in fabric choice or technique, then I might make suggestions. But I pitch my advice based on context, it’s no good saying that their value choices all blend into one fabric from ten feet away if the quilt is already pieced. But if they are still auditioning background fabrics, then I can say which one I prefer and explain why (better contrast, more suitable print etc.). Even better is if I can show them why – for example by getting them to stand at the other end of the room and holding up their two candidate fabrics in turn. But I try hard not to dictate. I just suggest and explain why I am suggesting, but I stress that it’s up to them.
Hee hee, you know me so perhaps you already know some of this!
1. If it’s a pattern I’m testing I will tell you the things that I would change or I didn’t understand, just as I would in my testing day job. But I try to be impartial about it and not say I hated anything!
2. If it’s a friend that’s asked for an opinion, I go with something I learned a few years ago when I used to be part of a critique team on a photography site – the shit sandwich approach. Start with something nice, ‘I really like how you did x’, then explain what you weren’t so keen on, ‘Maybe you could do y instead’, and finish with another nice thing, ‘I really like the fabrics you chose.
3. If it’s a friend that’s showing something off that’s not to my taste, and hasn’t asked for an opinion, I will admire the time they spent, or a technique they used, but generally avoid saying ‘I really love this’
4. If it isn’t someone I know, like in a Flickr swap, unless there’s an expectation to comment to state preferences, I stay silent. If I have to state preferences I will usually say something like ‘I really love x, but y isn’t really me thank you’
5. If you can see my face, I’ve had it ;o)